Things I wanted to say but never did… Really?!
Well, actually; I had said some of them but the results were unexpected on so many occasions. I can say that sometimes I am afraid of my own feelings.
And talking about feelings…
So before I let you in a bit inside of my head, I warn you; I do not have a regular mind like everyone else you’ve met.
If after all this you still want to come in, go ahead keep reading.
So let’s start with that! My own feelings! Yes, my own.
Being inside my head and or heart for that matter sometimes is scary. So many things to say and so many things to feel… Where should I start?
Alright then, let’s start by asking you; how many feelings can you name? Happy, sad, scared? That’s a good start, right?
Can you name some more? How about playful, joyful, calm? Mad, upset, worried. Confused, lonely, nervous. Grateful, glad, cozy. Loved, friendly, peaceful.
Wasn’t that a good start? By now you had realized that there are so many feelings that we can’t even explain all of them. So many feelings to name. Try coming up with some of your own.
No matter how you feel — good or bad — it’s healthy to put your feelings into words; sometimes I guess. Talking about feelings helps us feel close to people who care. It helps us feel better when we’re sad or scared, even though at times it help us feel miserable. I know I felt like it at times.
Putting feelings into words helps us use self-control when we feel mad or upset. If your little brother took something of yours, you can say, “Hey, I’m annoyed that you took that without asking me. Next time, please ask.” No need to get in a big fight over it. Just say how you feel and why, without yelling.
Yes, I do know that it’s easier to talk about your feelings if you know how you feel and why. But what to do when you don’t know how you feel? Let alone say the things (the right things, of course) I want to say when I feel at the moment of happening.
I had tried to speak to someone but sometimes it is not easy it as it sounds. Believe me, I know, I’ve been there, done that!
However, given how effectively our defense mechanisms work (at least, me own sometimes) to hide emotions from consciousness, it’s often a challenge to know what one feels.
Of course, a parent, grandparent, or a friend can be a good person to talk to. It’s easier than you think. You can start by going to the person and saying, “Can we talk for a minute?” Then say how you feel and why. But what should I say?!
Let the other person listen. Maybe they will give you advice. Or say something kind. Maybe they will help you laugh, or give you a hug. Or say, “Don’t worry, I’ll help you study your spelling words.” Just saying how you feel and why helps you start to feel better. It helps to know you are not alone with a problem or worry.
I know that talking about your own feelings can be done at any time, even though it doesn’t feel like that most of the times. You don’t have to wait for a big problem to talk about your feelings. You can say how you feel any time. It’s a good thing to practice.
Talking about feelings doesn’t have to be a big talk. You can make a short and simple comment.
On the other hands though, you don’t have to talk about every feeling you have. But noticing your feelings and saying how you feel and why is good practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Talking about your feelings is a healthy way to express them. And when you have difficult feelings you need to talk over, you’ll be ready.
Sounds swell right? We often don’t feel ready or have the disposition to speak our feelings. We seldom take our emotional temperature and assume that what we feel is what we’re consciously aware of. What we know is all there is: I’m in a good/bad mood today; work’s stressing me; I’m not angry — I just don’t feel like talking; I don’t really feel anything. We’re satisfied with that answer and accept it as something we just have to live with. It’s our karma.
Yes, I know I had contradicted meself there, but isn’t how feelings are at times? Isn’t communication the cornerstone of psychological health?
But we don’t have to just live with it. There are tools that we can learn to help us identify what feelings are cooking beneath the surface that have more to do with our current state of affairs than we’d imagine.
Talking and or expressing your feelings can be a cure of some sort at times; at least that’s what I was told once. Can’t remember when!
Opening up to oneself and then learning how to speak about those feelings to another.
However, given how effectively our defense mechanisms work to hide emotions from consciousness, it’s often a challenge to know what one feels or even to know what’s going on unconsciously with us, beneath the surface (our surface of course). At times is more of a state of mind when I think of it. We believe that when we talk about our feelings is a sign of weakness. Sounds familiar?
Listen, after all this; I am not here dictating the “right” thing to do when your feelings are in your way of saying things. Not so.
What I want more is to express my own feelings and find a way to say some of the things that comes to my mind at any given moment.
But let me ask you, how can we discover and make sense of what we feel and what part that plays in dictating our behavior and our feelings?
I had started by talking some of my emotional temperature; what feelings am I aware of (there are often many!)? What is the most prominent? What do I want to say? When did I became aware of this feeling? What might be triggering this feeling? What’s happening (or not happening) in our daily lives?
Perhaps our answer is I don’t even know how I feel. Sometimes we end up believing my inability to dismiss the fears, feelings and thoughts I have are a failure and a sign of weakness. But even though I feel like they are, the reality is that they aren’t. No matter how many times we are afraid to face a feeling or a thought because of what it will lead to.
Confronting a feeling is a very different thing than our response to it. These are two very separate realities. Contrary to what we may imagine, facing one’s anger does not mean that we will act out on it and do something destructive.
But the question still remains the same… Why didn’t I say something when I wanted or need it?
Let me explain it differently and maybe you could understand…